Writing this in haste. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I can’t talk to people around me about this. It’s just becoming too much. One moment, I’m okay. The next, I want to kill myself. It’s unhealthy. And none of what I always do to feel better works anymore.
I read through my journal today and noticed that ever since the first day of June I felt like this. Only it’s gotten worse day by day.
I’m off the meds. Now I can’t afford to get myself checked up again and get prescriptions because I’m broke. I lost my job from the pandemic, I’m not earning any money, I’ve exhausted all my savings. I’m not eating properly, I can’t sleep at night yet I sleep off the entire mid-morning and afternoon. Bags are forming under my eyes again. I want to be productive but don’t have the energy to deal with everything.
The weight of it all now I’m carrying on my shoulders. I’m freaking out. I’m constantly anxious, jittery, stressed, irritated, on the edge, and have constant headaches. It’s rarely I don’t have breakdowns everyday.
And tonight, a friend messaged me. Says she needed someone to talk to. I felt even worse because I couldn’t attend to her. I told her I’m not equipped to talk about serious stuff right now, let alone handle my own issues.
I’m on the edge. Nothing works anymore.